Life Choices

So, I decided I better start to catch up on my blogging/journaling in between laundry while the baby is napping. Over the past 3 months this summer I have been torn between a decision I needed to make. Do I keep the kids in CA, or do I return to UT. Those of you who know me best, know I can't make a decision for the life of me, even stupid little decisions like clothing and food choices, etc. This is one reason I don't like to go shopping. Chase used to tease me about what I would do while he was gone. For those of you who don't know, and I can't remember myself if I blogged about it or not (that's what having 5 kids gets you, less brain cells equals more forgetfulness), Chase is in TX for his fire academy training for 6 months. I begged and bugged Chase about what I should do. In the end he'd give me feedback, but would not make the decision for me since it would be me and the kids and not him that would be living where ever I decided on.

The kids all started school in CA at a really nice charter school on Aug. 2nd. It was a bit of an adjustment for the kids, but for the most part they enjoyed it and all of the kids made friends over the summer and at school. As the time grew closer to when Chase would leave for TX, I felt a growing urgency to make my decision. I also felt I had to decide before I came to my sister's wedding in UT. Well, I talked with each of the kids and decided to leave the choice up to them. I decided I could live wherever and under whatever circumstances if it meant my kids were happy and well adjusted. They all decided they wanted to stay and give it a shot, so I let them.

Well, Chase left and I traveled to UT by myself with Joelle and back again for the wedding. I made plans with my parents to bring up our winter stuff when they visited Vegas in the fall. Well, things did not go so smoothly as I had expected, as they never do I guess. There ended up not being enough room for all of us as we had anticipated and having 4 kids in a bedroom just wasn't working anymore. Cramped, tired kids with late night talking and playing and sometimes fighting would keep everybody up. Kids getting up for school in the morning would also wake up Emery. I couldn't move some of them into my room since I had the baby with me and she would keep everybody up just the same. Also, Cam began exhibiting behavior problems from adjusting to the school hours and became very cranky. The kids would have to wake up to get ready for school at 6:00 am, get on the bus at 7:30 and then be picked up from the bus stop at 4:55. Cam had just come from a 2 1/2 hr. kindergarten day to extended all day school because there is no homework. He was not handling it as well as I'd hoped for. Also, we struggled a little with the kids being self motivated enough in their studies to do as well as I knew they were capable of. The type of school was mostly a self-motivation type school with accelerated reading and math that the students completed on their own. Bailey excels at being self-motivated, she just does what she needs to do and sometimes goes beyond expectations because that is just how she is. Bailey really liked the school and had made some good friends, and wanted to stay at the school in CA.

I made the difficult decision again to move back to UT and leave my oldest 'little' booger behind. So, with room issues, school issues, insurance issues, and family issues that we weren't aware of before we left for CA I felt we needed to come back. I had struggled back and forth, back and forth all summer. I thought I had made the final choice, but then some things came along and I felt that I needed to make another move. Chase and I both feel that maybe we were there for what we needed to be and that has passed, so now we move on. I hate doing this to my kids, I didn't want to uproot them yet again, but sometimes things just can't be helped. I feel it was in their best interest to leave.

I packed up things rather quickly all of last Thursday, trying to decide what we would need immediately and what could wait to be brought down by Chase's family in Oct. during Bailey's school fall break. I felt a great amount of anxiety and stress, but I'm kind of getting used to those feelings the past 2 chaotic years of being unemployed and moving the kids and trying to live as normal a life for them as possible. Chase's dad was kind enough to look over the car for me and prep it for travel. He also tied my luggage to the top of the van which I don't think I could have done by myself and also set up thd kids' dvd entertainment which is a lifesaver! I spent that night finishing loading up the van as much as possible and then tried to get some sleep for the next day's drive.

Many of you know I have a hard time driving a car by myself, even with the kids in the back. I fall asleep really easily. Even when I was just commuting the kids back and forth from Lehi (30 min. drive) I would get drowsy. I was paranoid that I would fall asleep and crash the car, or I'd have to stop so many times that it would be a nightmare trip for the kids, especially the little ones because they'd be stuck in the car for so long. I was doing ok until about 2 hrs. into the drive and then I started to get drowsy. I fought it for a little bit, and then suddenly snapped out of it. I felt the distinct impression that it was because lots of people were praying for me. It is nice to know and feel of Heavenly Father's and others' love for you. I was able to make it to St. George for gas, Cedar City for lunch, and hang on until Chase was able to talk to me over my speaker phone till I was almost to my destination. I never thought I would have been able to make a 9 hr. trip like that by myself with the kids. However, I fully credit my safe arrival to my Heavenly Father's care, for without divine intervention, I surely would have had a rougher time of it. Joelle was an angel, and either slept or just hung out. It was shocking really that she behaved better than the older kids, which were really also pretty well behaved except for a few quarrels in the back. I kept asking the kids if Joelle had fallen asleep, and they kept replying, no, she's just sitting there. Emery was also very good.

So, today I am grateful for my family and my Heavenly Father and His mindfulness of me and my family and our situation. I am sad to be away from my dearest friend and husband, but I am proud of him and his sacrifice, love, and hard work he is doing for our family. I also miss my Bailey girl a lot, but I know we can all be together someday and I know we are a forever family. I would also like to thank my in-laws and parents for their kindness and sacrafice to put up with us and help us out the way they have. Without our family helping us, we would be in a much more desperate situation. I am trying to soften my heart and change my attitude. I am very stubborn and as Heavenly Father has personally shown me I need to learn some things, too. I am trying to let things go and be more forgiving of others as well as myself. I am trying to be more positive and become a better person, especially for my husband and children. I want to be happy and I want our family to happy, so I am going to try and be the best person I can be. I have tried to spend more time doing the things that are uplifting including better scripture study, which has been sporatic in the past and sometimes only on the surface. I don't want to be hardened by the trials, people, or negativity that I have encountered. I don't like that I have pushed aside some things about myself that were good and instead have put up some defences and barriers that I normally wouldn't have done in the past. I want to be the person that I used to be, but at the same time be better as well. There were things I needed to change, but the good things I shouldn't have let go of or change by what I have gone through or met along the way. I can't let the negativity, hard, or bad things change that about me. So, I am hoping to be the person I need to be and help others around me also. Sorry, for the lengthy entry, especially with no pictures. I needed to write this as I make a hopefully fresh start and count down the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds until we can be with our husband and father again. Thanks again to everyone who has helped us. Thank you to my special and wonderful husband, I love you!!!